i hate you

i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you
i hate you
i hate you
i hate you
i hate you i hate you
i hate you
i hate you
i hate you
i hate you i hate you
i hate you
i hate you i hate you
i hate you
i hate you i hate you
i hate you
i hate you i hate you
i hate you i hate you
i hate you i hate you
i hate you i hate you
i hate you i hate you
i hate you i hate you
i hate you i hate you
i hate you i hate you
i hate you i hate you
i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you I HATE YOU!!!!

not again

confusion strikes yet again. over what and consequences.

1) guaranteed over non-guaranteed happiness.
2)risk adverse or go all out?
3)90% risk of embarrassment after going all out.
4)guaranteed downright rejection?
5)non guaranteed acceptance?
6)named a slut?
7)be called bitch?
8)object shunning away?
9)guaranteed regret if not trying
10)guaranteed disability of accepting the truth

ok enuff.

whiskey with tequila isnt nice. one more thing to add..i cant stand ppl who do not have the responsibility of informing others of their attendance. fullstop.

so shd i or shd i not? shd i not or shd i? argh..irritating.

it's better

it's better not to know anything than having to hear and listen to stuff you never in your life wanna know about or listen to but it's inevitable and unavoidable that smhow,smway you'll get to listen about it or know about it. and having been told to keep quiet and not probe about it when it's so tough to hide it and shut the fuck up makes it more difficult to just forget about it and not remember it.and everytime when it comes right in yr face, it's so hard not to be reminded about it and it all comes back to you again - having to pretend you dunno abt it and try hard not to talk about it.

so how? to know and ask abt it or just listen and forget abt it?but what are the consequences of asking about it and the bad feeling which will stay with you forever if you dont ask about it?arghh..tough decision to make and hope by the time a decision comes into place, everything dies down and everything will be forgotten.

but the point is here, why shd i make myself forget abt it and not face it? i dunno why. perhaps i just feel responsible for the r/s betwn everyone. so i shd just keep quiet. period.

machine crashed.

celebrated sis bday at Furama hotel. had buffet which isnt really tt fantastic but it's acceptable.they had my fav butter bread pudding.went on the starbucks at central.then went off to meet the clubbers at orchard.drank quite a bit. puked cuz was so bloated. but aint drunk or whatsoever.

22nd of july 2007. first time in my life. traumatised for a min which seemed like an hour. it crashed.smoke rising.paralysed.rem a caucasian asking if i am ok.then walking away from the scene.then got back home and found many bruises.and many more after that.lucky both were fine and alive.thank God indeed.

it wasnt caused by alcohol.it's the rain.thunder storm which caused the road to be flooded a little.caused the machine skid and went berserk.i was a tat slpy at first. but was shaken awake.now it's finding the way to hide the colours on my legs and arm.wat an experience. a traumatising one.

in short

not so happie.

quite tired.

a lil frustrated.

slightly pissed off.

a bit of anger.

a pinch of joy.

a sprinkle of excitement.

this is how i feel. period.

here it comes again

for a very long time..it hasnt happened to me..today it did..on this fateful day..i felt terrible..smthing inside me is choking me.........leaving me breathless...leaving me drained emotionally..i bet this question will pop in...'hey, wats wrong?wanna share?' ok this is wat i will reply..'nth is wrong..or rather..i do NOT know wat the hell is wrong.' typical answer i always give huh...get used to it ppl..

didnt tok much to anyone else other than those muthafuckers (extracted from milo's blog) who called in to ask dumb question..there's even one prudential idiot posing as a policyholder asking for information..asked eadric to use his phone to call the PH's mobile and found out i'm not speaking to the ph at all!! bloody idiot..wasted my 10mins tokking to u! ok..let's not side track..like i said..didnt tok much...no mood at all..everyone can tell there's smthing wrong with me..allan tried to tease me like how he does it everyday..it didnt work to make mi laugh this time..all i can do is to smirk.....allan allan allan...allan jabines. lol..i'm crazy. yes i am.

i'm lost in my own world..i feel i have always been selfish to the men who enters into a r.s with me...i feel i always ill treat them..though they are always there and willing to sacrifice for me..i dunno why i cannot make myself able to love whole heartedly again.....i dunno why i dunno why i dunno why.i simply cannot understand why i am still so caught up in things which happened in the past.i'm always victimising myself...and it's smthing which i never wanna admit.i always make it seem the whole world owes me. which of cuz is not the case.

side track-Deep Vein Thrombosis is a blood clot (thrombosis) that forms in the deep vein system of the lower leg--usually between the ankle and the upper calf. The condition is serious, potentially fatal, and very difficult to diagnose by external examination. Symptoms, if they occur, might include muscle tension in the lower leg, a dull ache or sudden painful tear, or a cramp in the calf with swelling and elevated body temperature.Symptoms rarely occur, though, since the clot formation may develop very rapidly, detach from the wall of the vein and move through the blood stream before anyone recognizes what's happening. The clot may travel through the veins and lodge in the heart or more likely in the lungs, resulting in sudden death. If the clot remains lodged in the legs, very serious damage may occur to the vein, or even to the leg's entire venous system. Clots can cause tissue damage, skin lesions, ulceration, and possibly removal of the limb.

no specific reason why i copy and paste the above segment..a little pc of info i guess.

i feel terrible nw..i'm sorry.........i just dunno how to make things better.........

wat a joke

how can a blouse ever ever ever ever get lost in the farking house?!!?!?!?!? i believe socks do get missing..perhaps sucked by the washing machine or things like tt..but a top?!?!!? a freaking top which fits my size getting lost?!?!?! omg..my heart aches..it's from Esprit and it cost near 60bucks for a plain white top and i wore it only ONCE!!!! damn...............my heart is tearing.......and i'm literally going to tear soon...searched the whole house and still..no sight of it! you ppl may say it's a gd excuse for me to get a new one..it's really not a matter of getting a new piece..but it's the heartache!! sigh............God pls bring my top back before my eyes soon.....

ok..exam is coming..genting trip is coming..gonna fail my exam for sure...and hope the trip will be enuff to mend my broken heart for the missing top and going-to-fail exam. argh.......gonna share a room with shaun liangyao..haha..my dear...pls...protect me from the evil spirits pls...hahah...and two of us are going to rely on each other...cuz we dun gamble much..we'll go search for nice food!and oh yes..i am bringing my txbk there to study!!!!

hmm..kd wanted to give me a surprise..lol...the surprise will be going to genting to look for me! hahah..mad man...kd..you better stay in sin...cuz i wouldnt noe wat to do if i really see u there..so pls...guai guai huh...hmm..getting to know abt yr past..just makes mi think..why do ppl treat u tt way when u were how u are right now...i mean..hw can ppl actually bear to do it...*scratches head* even eadric is feeling weird and peculiar..we cant get it..but perhaps it's just yr fate and life...hopefully no such things will happen again..i mean..not tt i will do anything to u...i WONT.

been coping well with work...i mean..starting to cope with it...getting the momentum...but still it wears me out...never have i got the chance to leave the office when the sun is still up high in the sky..whenever i leave the office..it'll be gloomy and dark...hate it..but gotta endure it...hope work will be better as days go by...of cuz it comes easier with the great colleagues u have at work..even kd can feel the abnormally close r/s among all of us....but then again..i hope nth of the past in ttech will happen here in AIA..yes i am tokking abt backstabbing! i certainly do NOT look forward to anything of that sort. pls..stay clear away from me.

ok..i am still badly affected by my missing top...VERY affected..damn it. sory for cursing but i seriously think u do not know hw it feels! ARGH...smone pls kill me!!!!!!!

rescue for the poor animals

hey ppl...check out the webby below..click on it everyday to give free food to the poor animals...since we dont always do good deeds...this is a small way to compensate then...

http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com/clickToGive/home.faces?siteId=3

spread the word...let us all do good.

a wk of hell...yet again

wats joy fatigue u may ask..well..it's a fatigue caused by joy and happiness. busy enjoying my time which caused mi to be so tired everyday..opps...i mean enjoying my time after office hours. overslept a few times last wk and ended up having to take a cab to work..but i feel it's all worthwhile.. =)

it's been a wk since i last posted...which means i've been spending my time with kd since then. didnt expect things will turn out this way actually..tot it'll all end there n then..until tuesday's badminton session which changed everything....the appearance of kd without prior notice gave mi a surprise..yes..a big one..ended up not knowing how to play badminton...and caused my team (consisting of me and gopi - building manager) to lose the game by 2 points..yes it's a close one but looking at how i played last tues let everyone there knows there's surely smthing wrong with me..yes and kd knows too..oh well..i just cant stand having someone staring at me playing la...

so tues was when it all started...went for pool with the men at work after badminton and had froggie porridge after tt...it's allan's first time tasting frogs..had to force him to try as he tot it's some exotic food..well..it's so norm in sg though..not in the philippines...and so he tried..ended up giving me a one word comment...nice! hahaha....

caught transformers with kd on fri...all i can say is...not really recommended..but then again...since it's a childhood cartoon..then u ppl shd go watch la..but dun pin too high hopes...it's draggy...lasted abt 180mins...watched until 430am in the morning..ok..i managed to get tix only for the 140am show...nx morning..woke up at 930am to prepare for grocery shopping for chalet..damn tired!!! but it's fun...haha..smhow..with allan ard..there are always funny things to laugh at...eadric came to pick us and headed to chalet...allan and i went str up to the room and tried to slp..apparently..he went zouk and came home in the morning too...but we couldnt fall aslp...too hungry...haha...called isabel who was downstairs in the kitchen with melvin with hp..ok..allan n i were too lazy...called to check when our lunch will be ready...melvin made beef burgers...how can i describe it....hmm...good! hahah..and our dear allan had craving for cream of mushroom..so poor eadric gotta drive out and get him a can and of cuz bringing back a carton of beer as well...not long later..started mahjong...played two games and handed the seat to kd to play......i tried to watch tv but my eyes soon gave way....din realise allan wasnt ard in the living room anymore..so i went up to slp..got a shock when i saw him lying on the bed like a dead man...ok..his body and eyes gave way as well...slept for about an hour plus or so....had bbq..damn the chicken wings are well marinated by allan..phillipines recipe...though it's a bit too salty but it's still good..thumbs up!

went to st james again on the same night after chalet...hmm..was...ermm..i can say...drunk la...ok. enuff of it anyway..nth more to tok abt it..all i can say is.......it's fun and it's thru this night....tt i got to know alot abt kd. sincerity.

alright.....time to visit my pig farm in dreamland...been long since i've been there...matthew chan..have u been taking care of the farm? i doubt so huh.........haha...